So, you’re not having nearly as much sex as you’d like to in your long-term relationship. This is a common complaint, yet still a serious issue.

You already know that the frequency of sex typically fades as the newness of your relationship wears off. But knowing that’s “normal” doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, right?

We tend to blame the decline on shifting hormones, our never ending “to-do” lists, or just plain ‘ol being tired but, the truth is — the biggest reason for couples having less sex is … RESENTMENT.

No one wants to have sex when they feel resentful towards their partner!

I call resentment ‘The Silent Killer.’ It kills everything; trust, desire, connection, romance, fun…

Why is it silent? Because it’s insidious and covert; just like mold, it grows and festers in the dark. You can’t see it or smell it but you can feel it and over time it kills relationships.

That tense feeling between you when things aren’t quite right—that’s resentment. It’s when the words aren’t spoken directly but the sentiment oozes in tone, sarcasm or even what is not being said during bouts of the silent treatment and eggshell walking.

If your mate is feeling resentful towards you, it is likely you have somehow let her down. She feels:

unloved
unappreciated
unimportant

Something feels
unfair

and she feels uncertain about you or the relationship.

How did you let her down? Most likely, the answers reside in your day-to-day exchanges, because underneath every request or expectation is a valid emotional need.

She feels let down when you:

Fail to do your share of the chores,

Prioritize spending time with family or friends over her

Work too much or are late coming home

Plan activities for yourself but not for the two of you

Don’t follow through on a promise

Having needs isn’t needy; we all have them. And in a partnership we choose to honor those needs and agree to do our best to meet them.

It’s so easy to forget this in our daily routines but resentment is what happens when these needs aren’t met.

We resent our partners for not fulfilling their promise to provide feelings of significance or certainty and for causing us pain.

On the surface, this may seem like the cliché and age-old battle of the sexes. But look a little deeper and you will see:

• When you take out the trash, it translates to her feeling cared for.

• When you plan dates for the two of you- it shows you are invested in her and she feels special.

• When you do the things you agreed to doing, she knows you are reliable and are there for her.

So while it may seem like it’s about the dishes in the sink—it’s really not about the dishes in the sink at all.

If you suspect this might be what is happening in your relationship this is great news! There isn’t much you can do with hormonal issues or fatigue but you CAN turn your partner’s resentment to desire.

Stop focusing on how much sex your NOT getting and instead consider whether your mate feels important to you.

Are you meeting her basic emotional needs? When a woman feels loved, important and cared for, she wants to provide you the same experience. And this means more sex for you.