Couples who struggle with a lack of passion are often doing one major thing that covertly undermines their sexual connection. Without realizing the impact it has on their desire for one another, they nurture their basic human need for certainty. They create a relationship that offers stability, safety and predictability— essential for a strong emotional connection.
This looks like clinging to their sameness and avoiding all activities they perceive will threaten their state of togetherness, including disagreeing and arguing. But this is the counter-intuitive mistake. Too much certainty in the relationship breeds lethargy and boredom in the bedroom.
Because humans have an equal and opposing need for uncertainty, mystery and adventure, couples must learn to tolerate the discomfort that comes with separateness and even conflict. The margin of polarity between opposing points of view creates friction— the key to keeping passion alive.
Not too mention, avoiding fights over time damages both the emotional and the sexual connection. Stuffed feelings don’t go away rather, they breed resentment, which quietly erodes the foundation of any relationship.
To keep the excitement alive, partners must move back into their original state of separateness— the way they were when they were two individuals first coming together. Couples must actively seek to highlight their differences because this uncertainty is part of what makes our initial attraction to one another so hot.
What happens when two separate and distinct individuals have different wants, needs and perspectives? Conflict. If couples are not airing their grievances they aren’t getting to the good stuff. A gritty occasional fight allows both partners to express their strong opinions and demonstrates they are passionate about defending their point of view- and that individual passion is what each partner needs to bring to the table for the couple to taste it in the bedroom.
If either partner is so conflict averse that the mere thought of confrontation brings anxiety and dread, overcoming that hurdle IS the work and effort required to keep the relationship alive.
Just like anything else that is important to you, for passion and connection with your mate to flourish, it requires effort every day. We exercise, pay our bills and maintain our vehicles, yet we often neglect our relationships and then wonder why they’ve withered on the vine.
Knowing the prescription for your ailing marriage takes the guesswork out of what needs to be done, which is often the hardest part for couples. If this all sounds familiar, then working towards having more fights is exactly what the doctor (or relationship expert) ordered.